Throughout the history of professional sports, we have been faced with athletes who have been given “God-like” status in the media. Often these individuals begin to believe the mantra of being hero-worshipped by the public. Yet, what is the impact upon the individual’s personal relationships? They feel as though they are "God-like" people who have special privileges, right?
Professional athletes, such as Fred Lane or Shaun Gayle (former NFL players), are turned into hometown heroes who can do no wrong in the public eye. Every time these athletes go out on the town, they have their photograph taken by paparazzi while becoming tomorrow’s headline. Yet, often the headlines are not the impression that an athlete wants to portray. In this era of instant news, these headlines are the ones that are tied up in the gossip rags and news magazines negatively affecting the “brand” of the professional athlete. These headlines can cause such personal pain as to change the athlete – that's if he survives.
This branding is affected by the personal behavior and choices each athlete makes on any given day. Men (and women) who participate in professional sports are constantly barraged by choices – the women who stand at the fence during training camp waving to their favorite athlete hoping to get his (or her) attention, or the women who begin to frequent the clubs where the athletes hang out in various cities, all in the hopes of snagging an athlete that will change their circumstances.
Many of these women play nice in the beginning; they may act like the Innocent Eve or may use sex as a tool. An athlete can background check a female suitor to death; yet, the very soul of her spirit is not in the paperwork that is given to the athlete when she is checked out. Eve plays her cards close to her chest as she begins to cast her tangled web in order to snag her man. She may plot and scheme in order to have her man. She often presents as "nice-nice" or "goody-goody"; yet, behind the façade is a woman who will turn the athlete’s life into chaos. Or she may become the next "baby-mama" after convincing "her man" that they are in a trusted relationship. She later charges the athlete with domestic violence months or years after they have broken up; she refuses to leave his home after he attempted to have her removed during a visitation drop off. Just know that she will get her ticket punched somehow. This is the hidden face of Eve – the face of control and abuse.
Even though Eve may strike her intimate partner 350,000 times in a year, the behavior generally goes unreported. It is not just a "playful" punch on the arm nor is it the "love tap"; rather it is those words that are spoken and later "taken back" or an apology given in order to maintain status quo. It is the verbal and psychological abuse that strikes active and retired players on a daily basis and ultimately creates the cycles of abuse that they may not recognize in their lives. A woman does not have to hit in order to be abusive. Months and years of being called "stupid" or "idiot" or "worthless" tears a man down more effectively than if he had been stabbed each time he was denigrated.
Eve is a woman who will look for those professionals that may come from a disadvantaged background or have a helper personality (e.g. professional athletes, doctors, social workers, psychologists, police officers). She looks for men that she can control as she offers him the proverbial apple.
Part of the control is the fact that Eve will expect the athlete to behave only in the way SHE wants him to behave. She may have everyone around him on pins and needles as she wreaks havoc. The athlete often does not know when the next shoe will drop creating anxiety and affecting him professionally.
Initially in the relationship she will act kind and sweet, as she gives off the persona that she accepts him unconditionally. There is excitement as the hormones are in full-effect. She may act as if sex is the greatest during the initial stages of the relationship. She may be willing to have sex early on in the relationship to "secure" her place in his life. Sex is just another method of control that is later used as a weapon in the relationship, as she refuses his attempts at maintaining the relationship.
As the relationship progresses and he does not comply with her expected behavior, the control games begins. It is at the game-playing stage that the abuse is in full-swing. She never has to hit him physically; she just needs to have him tied up in knots. She creates a chaos in his life such that he has never experienced before. The athlete begins to wonder “how did this happen to me?” He began to feel as if he is the proverbial dog chasing his tail; going around in a circle and not getting anywhere. As a man, he is most likely constantly attempting to resolve the issue and each time he thinks he "gets it right," he finds that the problem has changed; his life is in constant chaos. This is Eve’s method of control and abuse.
Many professional athletes in abusive relationships suffer from disbelief because they have "failed" to resolve the issues. They keep chipping away at the "problems," but are never quite able to resolve anything and experience more chaos. These athletes are after all professionals who are respected in their fields; the “greats” of the game. They can solve a play with ease on the field; yet, they cannot seem to resolve the predicaments in their own personal lives. There is a loss of self-esteem and worth that brings the athlete down to the level of his abuser, as he becomes simply a "trophy" to the abuser. The athlete is broken down in ways that even the toughest coach could not attain.
I have worked with, and known, numerous professional athletes who are in abusive relationships. Often the signs of abuse are not initially recognized. Each time there is a sense of disbelief that they have come so far and yet ended up right back where they came from – a dysfunctional environment. In some situations, the outcome is horrific and ends in death, as was the case with Fred Lane and Shaun Gayle.
In 2000, Fred Lane was shot and killed by his wife Deidra during an alleged domestic dispute. Diedra plead guilty to voluntary manslaughter. While she claimed that Fred abused her, the judge ultimately ruled that the shooting was premeditated and she deliberately shot Fred twice in order to collect on the $5 million life insurance policy he carried.
In 2007, Shaun Gayle's 20-year relationship was ended by the bullet of a rival competing for his attention. He not only lost his relationship, but he also lost his unborn daughter, Skylar. His tragic story appeared recently on Dateline NBC on July 31, 2009.
Each incident could have had a different outcome if there had been a paper trail or recognition of the signs and symptoms of the abuse. In Fred Lane’s case his wife pointed guns at him twice in the weeks before he was finally shot – no report was made. With respect to Shaun Gayle’s case, he had a “committed” relationship with Rhoni, but over the years he allegedly had a series of other relationships on the side. These are choices Gayle made as he walked down the road of life; choices that have lead to tons of heartache along the way. Heartache that Gayle shares and walks with each and every day of his life.
If you are in an abusive relationship, make the choice to leave; the relationship will not change. Learn the signs and symptoms of abuse, as you learn to listen to your inner voice. Realize that it is not all you! Having an externally beautiful Eve on your arm is not worth the poison apple she may hand you during your lifetime. Your safety and that of your loved ones may depend upon it. What choices will you make today?
